Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Sun, April 21

Column: Want to avoid Congress? Identify as a Russian

BEVERLY HILLS – God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The New York Post released a poll saying public regard for House and Senate leaders in both parties and administration officials is at an all-time low. I have figured how to keep congressmen, senators or White House officials from ever speaking to me. I’ve decided to self-identify as a Russian.

Rick Perry was confirmed as Energy Secretary Thursday while a brain surgeon became head of HUD and Jeff Sessions agreed he can’t be trusted to investigate himself. It gets better. The guy who gave the wrong envelope to Warren Beatty was confirmed as Secretary of Filing Things Properly.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from investigating Russian ties to the Trump campaign Thursday. He’s on the hot seat. Democrats are so determined to impeach Jeff Sessions for talking to the Russian ambassador that they’ve forgotten to impeach him for being a Confederate.

Capitol Hill broke into a partisan witch hunt Thursday for any Trump Administration official who ever spoke to a Russian. Everyone’s under close scrutiny. Ivanka Trump admitted she once heckled Yakov Smirnov in Branson, and Democrats are demanding that she resign as First Daughter.

Barack Obama reportedly disseminated intelligence on Jeff Sessions’ meeting with Russians to government officials and reporters before he left office. It looks catty. Jeff Sessions was a curious choice for Attorney General to begin with because he’s had no experience running guns into Mexico.

The London Sun reported Thursday a U.S. citizen took out a full page ad in the London Times claiming he is the rightful King of England. It explains one thing. For an hour I couldn’t figure out why I got so many calls from old friends asking me if I’d fallen off the wagon after thirty years.

The Weather Channel reported Antarctica had a record-high temperature of sixty-four degrees last week. Also during last week, L.A. got all the rain it needed and Hawaii was under a blizzard warning. Even weirder still, President Trump gave a speech to Congress that was calm and reasonable.

President Trump got a seventy-percent approval for his speech to Congress Tuesday in a CNN poll. He didn’t rip the mainstream media, brag about his election, or mention his fortune during the speech. It was the first time people playing the Trump drinking game ended up stone cold sober.

Barack Obama is being publicly lobbied by a Paris political group to run for the presidency of France. He can’t legally run now because he’s not French. However Obama supporters are trying to change the French constitution to allow presidential candidates who were born in the U.S. or Kenya.

President Trump plans to ask Congress for an extra fifty-four billion dollars for the military in his budget to Congress next week. It’d be nice if we could all be friends. If the terrorists could just see video of Americans at the self-checkout registers, they’d realize they have nothing to fear from us.

President Trump was in Newport News Thursday to dedicate a new U.S. aircraft carrier named after his fellow president and golfer Gerald R. Ford. He was the most dangerous driver since Ben-Hur. When playing with Ford you had to be in a foursome—you, Jerry, a paramedic and a faith healer.

Hollywood street artist Plastic Jesus unveiled a life-sized Oscar statue kneeling on the ground and snorting two lines of coke off the sidewalk at the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and La Brea Wednesday. Local officials vowed to take action. Hollywood Boulevard is zoned strictly for Oxycontin.

Forbes ran an article laying out a financial plan for young people that allows them to retire in forty years with a million dollars. It takes planning and discipline. In Los Angeles, nothing makes you feel stupider than coming home from a riot with ten cases of Pampers and you don’t have a kid.

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