Argus Hamilton: Pelosi demands baseball be banned
BEVERLY HILLS—God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Congress went into bipartisan repair mode following a crazed gunman’s firing at Republican lawmakers at baseball practice Wednesday. Both parties reacted characteristically. Speaker Ryan asked for an end to the hateful political rhetoric and Nancy Pelosi demanded that baseball be banned.
The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published a study finding that eating French fries can lead to an early death. French fries were not invented in France. They were actually invented in America, but we named them after the French because after you eat them, you feel fat and defeated.
The New York Times reported Special Counsel Bob Mueller is probing Trump for obstruction of justice. It didn’t say how you cover up a crime that never occurred. If the U.S. government vetted Middle East refugees as closely as the media vets Trump this country would be safer than Switzerland.
Time Warner defended sponsoring New York’s Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar in which Trump is depicted as the dictator assassinated by mass stabbing in the Roman senate. It’s just the start. Hollywood called and they have a role for Trump in the next Zapruder film.
The House Democrats beat the House Republicans in the annual Congressional baseball game under the halo of new-pledged bipartisan cooperation. No one believes it will last. Washington is like Hollywood in that a clear conscience is generally seen as an early sign of Alzheimer’s or puberty.
Congress is debating a bill to allow states to decide the legalization of marijuana and remove the federal ban. They’ll never be able to mesh the bill with all the different state laws. If the cops catch you with a bag of weed in California, the weed’s legal but the plastic baggie will land you in jail.
President Trump celebrated his seventy-first birthday at the White House Wednesday with his family. He gushed about it to reporters. Trump said there were five hundred thousand candles on his birthday cake, and that’s the most candles ever to attend a birthday party in presidential history.
Fox News announced Thursday they’re dropping their motto, Fair and Balanced. It’s the same old story. The night watchman came in Tuesday and caught Fair and Balanced chasing Shannon Bream around the studio, and the motto agreed to take a twenty-five million dollar buyout and resign.
Bill Cosby’s judge refused to accept a deadlocked verdict on Thursday and ordered the jury to keep working until they could reach a verdict in the drug rape charge against the comedian. It’s ominous. Expecting the worst, Cosby arrived at the courthouse on Thursday in a white Ford Bronco.
The Broadway musical Hamilton! is coming to L.A.’s Pantages Theater. Brokers are buying up tickets for eight hundred dollars, selling them for five grand, clearing a profit of forty-two hundred bucks a ticket. Look, we’re either honoring the founder of the New York Stock Exchange or we’re not.
President Trump urged the Senate Thursday to pass a more humane health care bill than the House did. He said the health care bill Congress passed was mean and it was difficult to defend. Trump knows he’ll never get re-elected defending a health care bill co-authored by Mary Baker Eddy.
Dennis Rodman was given a hero’s welcome to North Korea by his close friend Kim Jung Un in Pyongyang. They haven’t seen each other in three years. Dennis and Kim spent their first hour together in North Korea comparing the medications they’ve been prescribed and are not taking.
Defense Secretary Jim Mattis labeled North Korea a clear and present danger to the U.S. Only Dennis Rodman, it appears, can stop a nuclear war. A spokesman for the Mayan tribe in Mexico pointed out to reporters Thursday that its ancient calendar only missed the Apocalypse by three years.