Originally Published: July 22, 2017 6:01 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Trump demanded the U.S. Senate postpone their vacation until they are able to fulfill their promise to repeal Obamacare and replace it. He said U.S. senators don’t deserve a vacation until they do the people’s business. The senators say this is what happens when the people elect an outsider.
O.J. Simpson will be a free man in October after he was granted parole Thursday. Washington saw the story through its own lens. CNN believes the Russians have offered O.J. a job hacking U.S. elections for Trump, while Nancy Pelosi criticized the decision in Nevada to parole Homer Simpson.
The Nevada Parole Board elicited a public apology from O.J. Simpson for his part in the Vegas hotel room robbery. He convinced them it was just a bungled attempt to retrieve his stolen property. O.J. seemed to win the parole when he assured the people of Nevada that he’s a murderer, not a thief.
O.J. Simpson during his parole plea on Thursday got a big laugh from all his old friends in Los Angeles when he said he never had any problem with alcohol or drugs. Of course he doesn’t. O.J. would never admit to others or himself he has a drug or alcohol problem, it’s merely a police problem.
O.J. Simpson will be moving to Florida upon his release in October along with his past baggage of domestic violence, murder, armed robbery and kidnapping. Residents of the Sunshine State have been urged to remain calm. It’s not like O.J.’s going to make Florida any worse than it already is.
Jay-Z released a song ripping O.J. Simpson for saying he’s not black, he’s O.J., Tuesday. The Juice has to hang around white people once he returns home to Florida. O.J. can’t hang around black people, because he can’t be seen with felons and under Florida law, all black people are felons.
The Weather Channel reports a triple-digit heat wave with high humidity across the South this week, making residents and visitors feel they’re being boiled alive. Both Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr performed in Oklahoma on Tuesday. It raises the question, don’t their managers have an Atlas?
Special Counsel Bob Mueller broadened his Russia-U.S. election-hacking probe into President Trump’s business deals with Russia. Four years ago, Trump brought the Miss Universe pageant to Moscow just as Putin was divorcing his wife. Look, there’s either a brotherhood of man or there’s not.
Ole Miss demanded football coach Hugh Freeze resign after the phone number for an escort service was found all over his cell phone. It’s one for the record books. Hugh Freeze may go down in history as the only winning college football coach in the SEC to have to pay women to sleep with him.
President Trump ripped his own Attorney General Jeff Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia probe. It led to a Special Counsel. And that leads to a mistress who saved your semen stains as souvenir, but this time the community property involved isn’t just half the president’s cigar collection.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions said Thursday he’s honored to serve Trump despite his tongue-lashing. He said he’ll stay on the job. Watching a Southerner named after two Confederate generals getting whipped by his master is the only thing that Hollywood likes about the Trump administration.