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Sat, Feb. 22

One man’s rant: Lights, camera, action!

It might be time to do a movie. No, I don’t mean to see a movie, I mean to make my own. I plan to develop a plot concept, write dialog/shooting scripts, raise hundreds of dollars to finance the venture, scout out locations, yell at actors on the set, edit the (digital) footage, make insensitive comments to the media and make a spectacle of myself, and finally, release the movie to dozens if not hundreds of expectant fans in two or three theaters around the country. I don’t see how this plan can go wrong!

To make sure my production is an astonishing success, I researched other movies that are making it big on the big screen. The money makers are the movies targeting the younger set ages 12 to 24 which is also the fastest growing audience segment.

There seems to be an undeniable strain of fantasy that’s infecting most (if not all) movies for the younger viewers. For example, recent movie offerings included Moana, an adventurous teenager who sails into unknown seas to save her people. She soon encounters a spirit god, Maui, who provides the magic she needs to succeed. I guess today it only takes a dose of magic to solve problems.

And then, of course, we have Newt Scamander who is researching magical creatures. And on another screen, a mother and her two daughters invite evil into their séance scam. Finally, there are trolls who have their own challenges that I don’t even want to investigate.

I think, somewhere in the movie listings there were a couple of actual humans who lived in the real world and who had a few personal, but real, problems to solve. I think there was some clever dialog and a resolution to the drama. But I doubt this one made it at the box office.

So, finally, I sat down to make up an award-winning story line that would launch my movie producing career. I decided to employ a monster. No wait, three monsters would be better. They all have bad teeth and decide to break into a drug store to steal dental products. Unfortunately, even though it’s 2 a.m. and the store is closed, my three budding criminals aren’t aware that the pharmacist is working late. He spots the three monsters as they’re single-mindedly evaluating the benefits of a tartar control tooth paste over the whitening boasts of another one.

The pharmacist springs from behind the counter instantly ballooning into a terrifying zombie with battery acid dripping from his fangs to confront my hapless trio of mere monsters.

At this very moment, a couple of alien tourists are strolling past the drug store — at 2 a.m.. They see the mayhem about to explode inside and crash through the front plate glass windows to join in the fight to the death.

Magic. I still need magic so I add a 12th century wizard to the stew.

I’m going to need decimal-damaging sound effects so the main melee occurs in the acoustic drum department of this particular drug store. The store is having an enormous sale on 8-Piece Double Bass Drum Sets with extra high-powered Meinl HCS Cymbals. Of course, the huge, blow-out drum sale is next to an ultra-gigantic, stupendous fireworks display for any audience ears that are still functioning.

This movie can’t lose! It has monsters, a zombie, two aliens, a wizard in a robe, sound effects, fireworks, death and destruction — all glued together by absolutely no plot or reason. As a fledgling producer, I’m golden!

To comment on this column or to suggest your own movie plot, email

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