Dear Annie: An unwelcome trip down memory lane
Dear Annie: My husband, “Matthew,” and I started dating at 15, got married at 21 and have been happily married for 45 years. We have two happy and successful children and four beautiful grandchildren. I thank God everyday for what we have.
But something came up one night six months ago, when my husband’s old roommate, “Will,” called. We were telling those “remember when” stories, when Will said, “Ask Matthew if he remembers the night I accidentally walked in on him and Tina sound asleep lying naked on his waterbed!”
We were on speakerphone, and when my husband heard this comment, it looked like he was about to fall through the floor. I immediately said, “Oh, sure, Matthew told me all about that, but I’ve forgotten the exact details over the years.” Will proceeded to explain that he had been riding around and picked up a couple of girls and brought them to the house. When it was time for Will to take the girls home, he knocked on the door but there was no answer. That is when he discovered the two asleep, unclothed, on the bed.
Matthew and I were engaged at the time he and Will were roommates. I had always trusted Matthew and thought that I had been his only sexual partner, as he was mine. Life the last six months between us has not been good. He swears to me he did not have sex with her, but when I question him about details his reply is: “I don’t remember.”
I am nagging the poor man to death, but I am so miserable I can’t stand it. I think if Matthew would come clean and answer all of my questions I could let this go. I would appreciate your take on this matter and I know he reads your column. I’ll be waiting for your answer, as I feel it will be to go to counseling. — To Let It Go or Not
Dear To Let It Go or Not: I’m sorry you’re in this position. One foolish, reckless night does not negate the love you and your husband have shared for 50 years — but the fact is you’ve been deeply hurt. Though this happened a long time ago, to you it’s a fresh wound. Your husband needs to respect that.
Knowing the details of their encounter won’t give you peace of mind. But as you mentioned, talking out your concerns with a marriage counselor could help a great deal. The sooner you make that call, the sooner you and your husband can put this behind you and perhaps feel closer than ever.
Dear Annie: It seems bachelor parties have turned into moneymaking events. My 23-year-old son has been invited to many of them lately. Grooms hold gambling nights or raffles to offset the cost of the honeymoon. I would not have a problem with this, but my son gets invited to these events when he’s not even invited to the wedding. I was under the impression that if you are invited to the prewedding festivities you are also invited to the wedding. Am I just old-fashioned? — Nancy in Ohio
Dear Nancy in Ohio: Weddings have changed a lot in the past few decades, but etiquette remains important — and inviting someone to a prewedding event but not to the wedding itself is a major breach of etiquette. It makes people feel as if they’re on the B-list. If your son won’t be a guest at the wedding, he should not feel pressured to attend the bachelor party, period.
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