Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Mon, June 17

Trump wants to beat ISIS by 50 points

HOLLYWOOD–God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Donald Trump named a third general to his cabinet Wednesday and afterwards he summoned Oklahoma’s legendary football coach Barry Switzer up to Trump Tower for a meeting. Saddle up, boys. Donald Trump doesn’t just want to defeat ISIS, he wants to beat them by 50 points a game.

Time magazine voted Donald Trump Person of the Year Wednesday and under his photo on the cover they labeled him President of the Divided States of America. The magazine’s decision to give this award to Trump left millions of young voters asking the same question. What is a magazine?

Donald Trump appointed former World Wrestling Entertainment chief Linda McMahon to be the Director the US. Small Business Administration. The consequences could be hilarious. If you think Trump’s tweets were mean and angry in the past, this appointment gives him access to steroids.

ISIS stepped up its campaign to oppress its residents in western Syria Friday. ISIS reportedly threatened to cut off the hand of anyone they catch using their cell phones in a movie theater. It shows even a crazy, violent radical terrorist group can come up with a great idea every now and then.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio asked the federal government for $35 million to help protect Trump Tower. It’s had a ripple effect. Thanks to Trump, over-protective parents in New York are slamming their co-op boards for not having Secret Service protection in their building.

Amazon introduced a new retail store concept called Amazon Go in which you simply pick up the items you need and leave. Store sensors charge what you picked up to your Amazon account. Whoever thought that a retail breakthrough could result from Lindsay Lohan’s explanation to a judge?

The Sioux Nation won a judgment blocking an oil pipeline being built under its river in North Dakota. Trump’s advisers are urging Trump to privatize all land belonging to Indians and give them control over it. After all the campaign rhetoric about deporting the illegals, I didn’t know he meant us.

The State Department had to mollify China Monday after Donald Trump broke U.S. protocol by talking to Taiwan’s leader. Democrats are demanding that Twitter shut down Trump’s access to Twitter. There’s got to be something in their responsible usage guidelines about causing Armageddon.

Donald Trump took his Thank-You Tour to North Carolina Tuesday. Since the election, Castro died, the Dow Jones hit a record high, Carrier stayed in the U.S., and Kanye canceled his tour. All Trump wants is a statue on the National Mall honoring him as the greatest President-Elect in history.

Donald Trump threatened to cancel Boeing’s deal to build two Air Force Ones due to the high price tags of the planes Tuesday. He’s negotiating. The president-elect is fine with the airplane’s anti-missile defense, he’s just holding out for an escape pod with Wi-Fi so he can continue Tweeting.

Donald Trump interviewed Exxon Mobil Chairman Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State. Other candidates include billionaire Jon Huntsman and billionaire Mitt Romney. It’s just now occurring to Republicans that it’s easier to get into the Augusta National Golf Club than it is the Trump cabinet.

Donald Trump appointed Dr. Ben Carson Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. He’s putting a brain surgeon in charge of federal housing. That way if you have a problem with your mortgage, he can give you a lobotomy so you won’t have to worry about it so much.

Donald Trump introduced his choice for Pentagon chief General James Mattis to his crowd in Carolina Tuesday. Trump is such a showman. After he named a General nicknamed Mad Dog to head the military, Trump plans to appoint a brushfire to head the Department of Forest Conservation.

President Obama gave a speech on anti-terrorism to military personnel at a U.S. base in Tampa Tuesday. He’s said we’ll pursue ISIS all the way to the gates of Hell. However, you have to admit it only tempts Republicans to lie, cheat, and steal if you let them think that Hell is a gated community.

Joe Biden was cornered by reporters as the vice president was leaving the Senate Chamber on Monday and they got Joe to admit he’s running for president in four years. You can never quite be sure how serious he is. Last weekend Joe Biden lost his train of thought, and there were no survivors.

The California Assembly proposed a bill Monday to protect illegal aliens from being deported by President Trump by creating a sanctuary state. The next day, illegal immigrants told CNN that they were determined to stay in America and live free. All they have to do now is qualify for disability.

The New York Times revealed that Bob Dole was the one who arranged for the president of Taiwan to call Donald Trump last week. He’s been in a fog a long time. Bob Dole is the guy who 20 years ago agreed to endorse Viagra because he thought it would help him achieve an election.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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