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Fri, Oct. 18

One man’s rant: Wine vs. beer drinkers

There are two distinct categories of American citizens, in my humble opinion: Those who slosh, swirl, sip, sniff, rhapsodize about and, finally, swallow wine. And those who drink beer.

Since I like to be efficient in how I spend my time, I’ve always preferred the simple processes in life. I’m thirsty. I slam down beer. I’m not thirsty anymore. Move on to something else.

I recently ran across a 12-step program. No, this program wasn’t about regaining control of your life, it was about…drinking wine. That’s it — there are 12 steps on how to drink the stuff. Forget my simple four-step approach to enjoying life with beer that I explained above. Forget about accomplishing anything else on the day you decide to spend with Bacchus. You won’t have time.

Getting at the wine may be the most challenging portion of the process. Wine is normally protected by a cork that has no intention of allowing you past it. You may feel confident with your $14.95 Wrangler Cork Extractor from Clyde’s Wine Warren on Third St., but within three minutes you’ll be trying to push the remnants of that friggen’ cork down into the bottle. I doubt anyone truly knows what drinking wine is like — without spitting out miscellaneous cork fragments.

You can’t just open a bottle of wine and drink it. Red wine should be served between 55 and 65 degrees Fahrenheit and white wine requires a temperature range of between 41 and 48 degrees Fahrenheit. This means you’ll need an ice bucket, freezer/refrigerator, an accurate thermometer and a scientific calculator to project exactly when the wine will be ready to drink. You either have all this equipment on hand or only drink wine on selected afternoons in the spring or early fall.

If you’re thirsty but don’t have just the right glass to house the wine, forget it. White wine glasses are smaller than red wine glasses. White wine glasses should also have narrower bowls with a tapered top. Beer doesn’t care what you do to it. I once downed a pint housed in a Detroit Lions mug that gas stations gave away in the 1950s and ’60s and it was still refreshing!

Whatever you do, hold your wine glass only by the stem. Holding the bowl will heat up the wine and you won’t be allowed to drink it.

To comment on this column, email wilaugust46@gmail.com.

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