Originally Published: October 6, 2015 12:25 a.m.
Living in the Southwest there are a few folks I've met that might fall into the category of being a redneck - both of my older sons to some degree are, I can be at times - you know, things that might come off a bit less than refined.
Well, this column is all about how YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK TENNIS PLAYER ...
... if you go "EEEE-HHhaa", every time you win a point.
... if you wear a holster to keep your tennis balls in.
... if your tennis net is made of burlap.
... if you've trained your hunting dog to help pick up balls during a match.
You might be a redneck tennis player ...
... when you open your tennis bag and an array of items jump at you - fishing pole, shot-gun, loose ammo, lasso, branding iron and such.
... if you eat fried pork skins during change-overs.
... when the perimeter of your tennis court fence is patched with barbed-wire.
... if your name is Bernie Adam, Dan Salcito, Ceilia McGuire and let's not forget Deloris Garside too.
Redneck, yes you just might be one if ...
... on questionable calls you threaten your opponent with a good-old-umpires chair lynching.
... most of your tennis clothes consist of cutoff jeans, wife-beater T-shirts and dark socks.
... you play in camo - and truly believe your opponent can't see you very well.
... you regrip your racquet with duct-tape.
... your grass tennis court has cow paddies that need removed before playing.
Redneck you are if ...
... the officials and umpires running your tennis event look like they came out of the show Oklahoma - or frequent Whiskey Row nightly.
... the majority of the draw of your tournament are inter-related.
... when Billy Bob, Billie Jo, Billie Jean and Bobby Joe show up as a four-some in your weekly mixed group.
... when your partner turns to pick up the ball and you see more crack than what a hard-core druggie could handle.
... after the match you're in concludes and your partner pulls a warm six-pack of ABC Beer out of their bag for all to share.
REDNECK, Redneck, redneck if ...
... when calling the score "Love - Love" the whole group cracks up laughing and can't continue to play for 15 minutes. From then on the score has to be called "Zero - Zero."
... when the club you belong to has more monster trucks in its parking lot than normal cars - displaying "women devil decals" on the back windows - yep, you're in redneck land.
And you might even be a redneck as a pickleball advocate - trying to take a perfectly good tennis court, trashing it with extra lines and doing your best to grab part of the prime-time; knowing full well you'd scream bloody murder if it were a pickleball court being turned into a basketball area part-time with yet more lines.
Chris Howard is a local USPTA tennis professional with over 40 years in the racquet and fitness industry. He can be reached at 928-642-6775 or email@example.com.