Originally Published: May 26, 2015 12:30 a.m.
Now, before I embark on this column, I know what many of you are thinking, which is that you have a computer, may indeed have seen the following items before, and why is it that I feel obligated to rely on others for column fodder when my "thinking cap" doesn't fit? My two-part response is: 1.) Not every reader is blessed with a computer, so these items should be fresh to him/her; and 2.) I find it to be a whole lot easier to fill the space without having to tax my brain.
So much for the caveat, and on to an email that a friend of wife Pat forwarded to her last week that led in with this musical question: "What do you do or say when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!" So following are some probing questions followed by some parenthetical comments of my own that you may feel free to classify as non sequiturs:
"DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'" (You, dear one, are priceless!)
"Melanie (age 5) asked her granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember anymore. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'" (Gratefully, Granny, you don't have to traipse all the way to Florida to find the Fountain of Youth.)
"James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'" (Good question ... I'm just "itching" to find out myself.)
"Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said. 'It makes my teeth cough.'" (Coughing teeth? The New England Journal of Medicine may want to include it in its next printing.)
"Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'" (Greater love hath no child than one who pins down his mother's final resting place.)
"Brittany (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'" (Well, Brittany, you're probably familiar with smart phones, and what we're dealing with here is a smart BOTTLE.)
"Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his mom asked what was troubling him. He replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'" (Well, Clinton, when the time comes you might consider trying a shoehorn.)
And then there's that sermon that no doubt will be etched in a mom's memory. "'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment the mom's very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to her and asked quite audibly in her shrill little 4-year-old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?" (Well, dear, I can't rightly say, but whatever it is people probably tend to sit on it.)
Now, in closing I'd like to pass along this little yarn concerning a 4-year-old boy who was attending his first ballet performance with his dad. After observing the ballerinas dancing around on their tippy toes for a while, he whispered: "But Dad, why don't they just get TALLER GIRLS?"
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