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Fri, April 26

Column: Trump next president thanks to drug cartel

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD-God Bless America, and how's everybody?

Mexican cocaine cartel kingpin Joaquin Guzman, whose nickname is El Chapo, escaped from a maximum security Mexican prison on Sunday and is currently on the loose. Now the excitement begins. If Joaquin Guzman can make it to San Francisco, Donald Trump is the next president of the United States.

Mexican authorities were embarrassed Monday over Joaquin Guzman's ability to dig a tunnel from the prison shower to a construction site an entire mile away. Engineers marveled at how quietly he got the digging done. If Joaquin Guzman ever goes straight, he could have a great career in fracking.

Joaquin Guzman amused political pundits Monday by immediately tweeting his anger at Donald Trump for his anti-Mexican remarks and threatened to go after the GOP presidential frontrunner. That could bring in the Secret

Service. Secret Service agents are well aware of Joaquin Guzman. He's catered their last four parties south of the border.

Playboy magazine published a survey conducted by Brut men's toiletries to find out in which cities couples have sex in the shower the most. The two winning cities were Detroit and Chicago. It said that 86 percent of people in Detroit and Chicago have enjoyed sex in the shower and the other 14 percent haven't been to prison yet.

Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter on Monday gave the U.S. military branches six months to make ready for trans gender recruits in the armed services. We're gearing up for psychological warfare. If ISIS takes them prisoner, the terrorists won't know whether to behead them or force them into marriage.


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