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4:59 PM Mon, Nov. 19th

Column: Cold band may offend fans to start fire

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

The Dallas Cowboys play the Green Bay Packers in the NFL divisional playoff game Sunday in extremely cold weather in Green Bay. Forty-five million Americans will tune in. It's expected to be so cold, the marching band may form a cartoon image of the Prophet Muhammed just to get a fire going.

The Ohio State Buckeyes and the Oregon Ducks wills play the first national championship game in college football Monday. The schools will receive millions of dollars but the players must play for free. It proves once and for all that the North was fighting to protect the tariff, not end slavery.

Lindsay Lohan is suffering from a tropical virus called Chikungung after a mosquito bit her last week. It's a lose-lose situation. Lindsay is in a London hospital suffering from fever and muscle aches and the mosquito's on the nearest lily pad suffering from alcohol poisoning.

A U.S. District Court ruled California's ban on serving foie gras in restaurants unconstitutional over the howls of animal rights activists. The ducks are force-fed to fatten up their livers before the slaughter. Everyone's excited about the ruling because Dick Cheney is releasing a cookbook.

A Paris satirical newspaper was attacked by al-Qaeda terrorists Tuesday for depicting Mohammed in cartoons that satirized the terrorists. They killed 12 of the satirists and escaped in their car. However, French authorities were later able to track down some of the attackers and surrender to them.