Column: Our best tennis excuses
I've heard and used them all at one point or another and I still enjoy hearing them - especially new ones here and there. Tennis excuses.
There are the normal excuses. "The sun in my eyes." "Couldn't find a toss that'd work for me all day long." "The last few days have really been windy, which makes for tough passing shots, lobs and service tosses." "How about you take the sunny-side this set?"
"Who the heck built a baseball diamond and parking lot so dang close to the courts?" "Did you have to bring the kids with you?" "Back to the drawing board." "Can you please stop talking during the points so much!" "How's a real tennis player supposed to concentrate?"
"My legs are so wobbly I can hardly make it to each shot, but boy was last night out on Whiskey Row a night to remember."
"How many more cracks do you think you can hit today?" "I think this racquet used to belong to my grandfather, what's your excuse?"
"Have you ever tried playing with a torn rotator cuff?" "How about a hip, knee or shoulder joint replacement; I've got one of each." "Yea, I just got out of the hospital yesterday after having brain surgery." "Did I mention my glass eye?"
"We didn't do so well because the balls weren't high altitude." "Do you think having strings in your racquet for over 10 years makes a difference?" "What do you mean this is an open event?"
"This sunscreen keeps dripping into my eyes." "Do these juniper trees bother you at all?" "I'm sweating like a pig; can't keep a grip on my racquet."
"If I have to play with you today we're in trouble."
"If you tell me one more time to keep my eye on the ball this racquet is going to get rapped around your head." "Chris said I shouldn't have played with you." "Do you have to give me a lesson while we're trying to play?"
"My partner just wasn't on today, yesterday or the day before." "You know how mixed doubles is really mixed giggles." "What do you mean I should just guard the alley?" "Seventeen doubles faults in a match isn't that bad, is it?"
"They have a great personality, but a crappy game." "Just say 'no' when they ask you to play next time." "You're really dressed nice, the racquet seems in good order, it just wasn't your day." "My heart medication is in my tennis bag, just in case."
"No, I really would like it if you served all the time." "Yours - YOURS ... yours again." "Stay on your on side of the court - PLEASE!" "Damn ball hog." "You've taken lessons for how many years and you're only a 2.0?"
"I may not have been the better player, but I definitely dressed like I should have been."
"Where we going for lunch ... winner buys."
Chris Howard is a local UPSTA Tennis Professional with over 40 years in the racquet and fitness industry. He can be reached at 928-642-6775 or firstname.lastname@example.org.