Originally Published: August 8, 2011 9:45 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
Brett Favre's agent shrugged off overtures by the Miami Dolphins Friday, insisting that the quarterback is retired and has no plans to sign with a new team. He's been in pro football a long time. Brett Favre is the only player to be drafted by an NFL team and the Confederate Army.
Alex Rodriguez was investigated by Major League Baseball for participating in illegal high stakes underground poker games against commissioner's orders. He could be banned from baseball. If Alex Rodriguez plays in the World Series this fall it may be at the Golden Horseshoe.
Jerry Lewis was fired by the Muscular Dystrophy Telethon he's hosted each Labor Day for 50 years. The comic is 85 years old and still walking into doors and doing pratfalls. Sixty-five percent of everything the MDA raised was going for Jerry's health insurance premium.
Paris was named the favorite city in the world for extramarital affairs Friday in an online poll of adulterers. You can't beat the city for its forgiving lifestyle and discreet hotel staffs. There's a reason U.S. presidents sent troops to liberate Paris twice in the last 100 years.
Shell Oil got federal permission Friday to begin drilling in the Arctic waters off the Alaska coast. The company plans to drill four wells in the Beaufort Sea. They got permission only after they agreed that if one drop was spilled, they will set up a fund for New Orleans musicians.
President Obama demanded cooperation from Republicans Friday. Last week all the leading economists said we needed to raise the debt ceiling or the stock market would crash. Well they were half right, which is better than they usually do.
President Obama hosted a barbecue at the White House Thursday to celebrate his fiftieth birthday. He got a lot of gifts. Wall Street gave President Obama a recession with his name on it, but you could tell by the expression on his face when he opened it that he already had one.
Wall Street stocks plummeted Thursday amid investor concern over the debt crisis. More than a trillion dollars of wealth vanished on the N.Y. exchange. Charles Schwab just scheduled a private counseling session with Michele Bachmann's husband, where they'll pray away the bear.
Senator John Kerry declared Friday that the news media has an obligation to stop giving airtime to Tea Party representatives. We've learned one thing this year. In Washington the impulse to censor is second only to the impulse to post naked pictures of yourself on Facebook.
President Obama ordered the Pentagon Friday to set up a reverse boot camp for soldiers to attend before they leave active duty. Going from combat duty to civilian life shouldn't be that tough. It's not that big an adjustment to go from kill-or-be-killed to going on job interviews.
The White House ripped Iran for backing al-Qaeda in Afghanistan and insurgents in Iraq last week. We're making progress. The Pentagon announced al-Qaeda's new leader nearly got killed Wednesday, but he sold his General Electric stock the day before the market crashed.
Florida pollsters shocked the White House Friday. Poll numbers came out showing that President Obama trails Mitt Romney by eight points in the Sunshine State. To get Florida back the president may have to order the Navy SEALs to raid Casey Anthony's compound in Ohio.
Los Angeles had reports Thursday that Hispanic kids in its public schools are refusing to stand up for the Pledge of Allegiance. They should recite it whenever they can. Otherwise it's a lost chance for them to practice up on their British accents if they want to work in children's movies.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.