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10:13 AM Tue, Sept. 18th

Column: Wrong South gets the applause

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

President Obama marked Veterans Day on Thursday while he was at the Group of Twenty summit in Seoul. He praised the U.S. troops who fought to make the South a free country. It drew applause even from Republicans and then they realized he meant Korea.

President Obama gave a speech to the Muslim world Wednesday and vowed that the United States will never be at war with Islam. He added helpfully that Islam has done much to shape America. For instance, New York used to be a little taller than it is right now.

House Democrats drew up plans Friday to try to pass amnesty for illegal aliens during the lame duck session. They likened the hiring of illegal aliens to owning slaves. The logic goes, what the signature of Lincoln taketh away, the trunk of a Lincoln restoreth.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi threw a party for House Democrats in Washington Wednesday to applaud her Congress's legislative triumphs. She rose to become the first woman Speaker. That's the furthest that anyone in a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover.

Saudi Arabia upgraded its air defenses with purchases from Raytheon recently. They want results this time. In the last Mideast war, the Arabs missed every Israeli jet with the surface-to-air missiles we sold them, so now they want to buy missiles that are surface-to-jet.

The Pentagon couldn't explain a missile fired off the coast of Los Angeles, believed to be a secret test. The launch was caught by a TV news chopper. We all know the best way to keep a missile secret is to launch it ten miles directly offshore from Mel Gibson's house.

Jeb Bush resisted calls by fellow GOP conservatives Tuesday to begin fundraising for a presidential run in two years. It would involve a huge amount of work. Jeb Bush has tremendous name recognition, and if he can overcome that, he could get elected president.

A Carnival Cruise ship was rescued and towed ashore by the Mexican Coast Guard Tuesday. A fire had knocked out all power. Mexico's coast guard doesn't usually save ships from sinking that aren't known to be carrying cocaine, but they made an exception and settled for everybody's jewelry.

Oklahoma was sued by Muslims for banning Islamic law from being used in state courts. The established religion in the Southwest is college football and its legal precedents apply. Texas vs. Switzer is always cited in cases involving poaching, kidnapping across state lines and extension of the statute of limitations for war criminals.

Dallas Cowboys Stadium went wild last Sunday when a gorgeous woman in the stands gave a lap dance to her drunk date during an injury time-out. The fans were sending a message. They wanted the team to go back to acting like it did when they won three Super Bowls.

The Labor Department reported Thursday only 64 percent of the American workforce is fully employed. The president did his very best to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. This morning he declared victory in the War on Jobs.

N.Y. Jets former hostess Jenn Sterger changed her mind for the third time Monday and agreed to discuss Brett Favre's sex texts with the NFL office. It's obvious why Brett's attracted to her. She can't make a simple decision without publicly going back and forth about it for weeks beforehand.

Chilean rescued miner Edison Pena ran in the New York Marathon Sunday. He stayed alive by running through the tunnel underground for two months. It proves no matter where you are, there is always a jogger in the group who thinks he's going to live longer than anybody else.

The CIA began using small personal drones to stalk terrorists in Pakistan this week. These drones follow individuals everywhere they go from above. Once the paparazzi get ahold of one of these, Lindsay Lohan won't have to go to a drug dealer to cop a buzz.

Nancy Pelosi said Monday she will run for House Minority Leader and lead the party. Who's going to tell her? A study last month said the U.S. was the 112th happiest nation in the world, then Nancy Pelosi lost the Speakership and we're at 17.

President Obama refused blame for the election rout Sunday while Nancy Pelosi planned a Capitol Hill party in her own honor. It's no surprise. As long as Washington D.C. remains the world capital of narcissistic personality disorder, these people will be our natural leaders.

India hosted a state dinner for President Obama Monday to herald a new special relationship with the United States. It makes sense. The country broke out in civil chaos, religious strife, ethnic rivalry and a bloody civil war after the British left, and so did India.

California pot activists began collecting signatures Friday to place marijuana back on the ballot next election. Millions of marijuana backers showed up at the polls Wednesday to vote for pot legalization. Unfortunately, the election was Tuesday.

The Taj Mahal Palace Hotel picked all the coconuts off their trees to keep any coconuts from falling on President Obama's head Friday. Safety first. If a coconut fell and hit Barack Obama on the head he could lose his memory and think he's still president.

Wall Street stocks soared Thursday over news that the Federal Reserve devalued the dollar to boost U.S. exports. There's money to be made out there now. Realtors are battling over who will get the commission now that Republicans have flipped the House.

Meg Whitman spent one hundred and forty million dollars of her own money and still lost California's governor race last Tuesday. She should have taken the hundred and forty million and made a super-hero movie starring herself. That's how Arnold Schwarzenegger became governor.

Sarah Palin gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart on Election Eve which left people scratching their heads. She said she'll run for president if there's nobody else to do it. It's the same thing she used to tell her staff in the governor's office about changing diapers.

House Speaker-in-waiting John Boehner vowed Friday that House Republicans will not compromise their core values on future legislation. This man is the face of diversity in the Republican Party. He's the first Orange-American to hold the post of Speaker of the House.

George W. Bush tells Oprah Winfrey today that Hurricane Katrina was the hardest time of his presidency. His visit to the scene was inspiring. President Bush stood waist-high in the water of New Orleans and vowed that we will get whoever did this.

The White House stated Friday that President Obama wants a special relationship with India. Last year, Indian farmers asked their unmarried daughters to plow their parched fields while naked to shame the rain gods into producing rainfall. It proves to enterprising Americans there's always a new reality show out there just waiting to be sold.