Column: Funeral business will never die out
Originally Published: September 10, 2009 10 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?Barack Obama warned Congress Wednesday that people will die if we do nothing about health care. Of course people will also die if we do something. If history proves anything, it's that nothing is more recession-proof than the funeral business.Environmental Working Group tested cell phones for radiation and found out the Motorola Moto emits the highest radiation levels. It's made in Japan. They were going to name the phone Hiroshima's Revenge but Moto fits better on the handset.South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was urged to resign by a majority of Republicans in the state House. They are serious. Baptists don't allow you to have both a wife and a soulmate - it's right there in the Confederate Constitution.Michael Jackson's family decided Tuesday to turn Neverland Ranch into a museum and an amusement park in his honor. It can't handle the traffic. The six-mile road to the ranch is only a lane and a half wide, just wide enough for an adult and a child.President Obama told Congress Wednesday that he isn't the first president in U.S. history to propose health care reform but he's determined to be the last. He doesn't have to worry about that. If he loses the House, the Senate and re-election, he will be.U.S. Congressman Dr. Charles Boustany of Louisiana delivered the GOP response to President Obama's speech to Congress on health care. He's a heart surgeon. The people eat so much fried food in Louisiana he is also a licensed Roto Rooter operator.President Obama asked Congress Wednesday for a public option in the health care bill. Who'll pay for it is no secret. Democrats don't just believe in soaking the rich; they believe that all yacht races should start a mile upstream from Niagara Falls.President Obama gave an interview to Men's Health magazine Monday and proposed taxing sodas. The idea was immediately shot down by House Democrats. Never propose a tax hike in the one magazine Barney Frank reads the morning it hits the newsstands.The Hubble Telescope relayed spectacular photos from space in brilliant colors Tuesday. They show pinwheels of red and blue light flaring millions of miles into the abyss. The California wildfires finally reached the Disneyland fireworks storage shed.Mexican police foiled an AeroMexico hijacking in Cancun Wednesday. Tourism is booming there. They waited until the U.S. built the border wall, then they legalized pot and cocaine, and now it's the only country in the world with a bouncer at the door.Joe Kennedy declined to run for his uncle Teddy's Massachusetts U.S. Senate seat Tuesday. He lacks the dash of his father and uncles anyway. If the Kennedy men are so sophisticated, then why did it take Teddy nine hours to open the door for a woman?General McChrystal banned U.S. troops from drinking alcohol in Afghanistan. Iraq is the only Muslim country which allows drinking. The only reason President Bush didn't invade Saudi Arabia is because he didn't think the troops would stay long enough.Los Angeles tried to tune into President Obama's speech to schoolkids on the radio to broadcast over the P.A. system Tuesday. They accidentally played Rush Limbaugh's running commentary of the speech instead. The kids came home that night and told their parents that forcing them to share their toys was socialism.Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. He can be reached at email@example.com.