Originally Published: March 5, 2009 11 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?
Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner signed a two-year deal Wednesday for $4 million a year. He also gets a $15 million bonus. It's not clear what he's done to deserve such a bonus; he hasn't run one company into the ground.
The White House proposed a bailout plan for homeowners Wednesday. Three trillion dollars in wealth has disappeared since election day. We could get it all back in gold during the Winter Olympics next year if we enter Dow Jones in the Men's Downhill.
Los Angeles Dodgers fans flooded the team office with ticket requests when the team signed Manny Ramirez for $45 million. Now he's besieged by fans wherever he goes. The whole town is thrilled to have a buyer who can qualify.
West Virginia lawmakers will debate a bill that bans Barbie doll sales in the state. The bill claims the doll gives little girls unrealistic expectations. Barbie owns a Dream House and a Corvette, and that only happens when Republicans control Congress.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that Queen Elizabeth is giving a knighthood to Teddy Kennedy. It's well-deserved. The Kennedy men have been on their very best behavior ever since pepper spray was invented.
California Assemblyman Joel Anderson asked Google to blur the satellite images of Los Angeles available on the Internet. There are security concerns. Revealing what Californians look like in the backyard is a breach of actor-God confidentiality.
President Obama put a swing set on the south grounds of the White House for his kids Wednesday. This brought back some great memories for comedians. The last time there was a swing set at the White House, Monica Lewinsky pulled the plaster out of the Oval Office ceiling.
The White House appointed Florida's disaster response coordinator Craig Fugate as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Everybody likes the guy. He's a voluntary paramedic and firefighter, so he's a much-in-demand party guest in Florida.
AFL-CIO executives were criticized on Wednesday for holding their convention at the Fountainebleu Hotel in Miami Beach this week. For labor union bosses, this is a new low. Las Vegas' reputation is so bad that even the town founders can't be seen there.
Cal Tech confirmed Wednesday that a giant flying asteroid whizzed close to the earth last week. It was a near disaster. Had it destroyed the Earth, mankind's last thought would've been that we really didn't need separate garbage cans for recyclables.
National Intelligence Council chairman nominee Charles Freeman was brought up for questioning by Congress Wednesday over controversial past statements he's made. He was quoted calling the occupation of conquered land an act of violence. His nomination is in limbo until he clarifies whether he meant Iraq or Israel or America.