Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Mon, Oct. 14

Column: Pit armed Southerners against Somali pirates

BEVERLY HILLS - God bless America, and how's everybody?

The Liberty Sun cargo vessel withstood a pirate attack off Somalia Tuesday. The crew hid out passively inside the engine room. There's a simple solution to the piracy problem, but the president is understandably reluctant to equip each ship with a rifle and a Southerner.

The New York Yankees christened Yankee Stadium Thursday and its $7,000 seats. The millionaire tax has driven all the rich people out of New York. The only way they could fill the stadium is by papering the house with Somali pirates.

Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates killed at sea by U.S. Navy Seals snipers. It was exhilarating. The three snipers are so popular that "American Idol" wants to use them as judges next year.

President Obama apologized in Mexico Thursday for America's heavy-handedness in Latin America over the years. Two weeks ago he apologized in Europe for America's arrogance over the years. History will show that Barack Obama assassinated three Somali pirates after his pollster warned him it was the only way to avoid impeachment.

Colombian authorities arrested top cocaine cartel chieftain Don Mario in Caracas Wednesday after the drug kingpin put a bounty on cops. This shows you how lucrative the drug trade is. Only drug lords can afford to buy brand name paper towels.

Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas could legally secede from America. The idea is spreading. Texans are furious over Barack Obama's speech in Turkey when he listed the world's three great religions and he didn't include high school football.

The Vatican blocked Caroline Kennedy's bid to be U.S. ambassador to the Vatican. Her Uncle Teddy was baptized by Pope Pius, Grandpa Joe was a papal knight, and her dad Jack was our only Catholic president. It gives you an idea of how much the Vatican hates women.

New York City police reported Monday that three customers in a Queens grocery store bought peppers with bags of cocaine in them. It caused a lot of fuss. This time last year, no one in New York City would have noticed being charged ten thousand dollars for a pound of hot peppers but nowadays Americans are watching every penny.

The Titanic Memorial Cruise was scheduled Friday to sail from England for New York three years from now, on the one hundredth anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. The luxury ocean liner Balmoral will re-trace the route of the Titanic. For anyone who didn't see the bottom of the ocean during the financial crisis, this is your chance.

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