Originally Published: November 6, 2007 9 p.m.
Writing has been difficult for me lately.
It seems that no matter what subject I pick to write about it just sounds trivial unless it has to do with banning cell phones and text messaging while driving.
That subject will continue to be my lifeblood but I've decided that it is time for me to climb out of the writing hole of despair and see what the sunlight feels like again.
These past two months have been fraught with many challenges, scheduling, after school care, household chores just to name a few. The kids have been wonderful through out it all. We'll all never truly be alright but we are moving on. The kids seem reasonably well but I have not yet caught up to the rest of the world.
I never quite figured out who I was after my wife Lisa died in 1999 and now here I am doing it again after Stacy's accident. So many emotions take over my mind and body but they're all convoluted and mixed up to the point where I just can't think anymore sometimes.
Anger, sadness, confusion, betrayal, and guilt are just a few of the boxcars running along my rails at any given time and usually without a locomotive to lead them.
I'm a person who needs answers and this situation provides none. I do my best to think on some sort of spiritual level that may enable me to somehow understand the philosophies of life and death but the answer never comes.
Is there even an answer, a true answer?
Of course this is no different a question than human kind has been trying to answer for centuries. The search has lasted this long and will continue for many millennium to come.
One question I keep asking myself is why am I still the one here? I would have done anything to save either one of them so they could stay with their children, watch them grow up and become adults.
Yet here I am, why? Philosophy seems to be my own worst enemy recently. The world will never make sense but I'll continue to spin my wheels trying to make sense of it anyway. Can't teach an old dog new trick as they say.
People make journeys out of finding themselves. I wish I knew where I lost my self, I'd start my journey there. I guess I'll just have to start from here and see where I end up. What else can I do?
We're all just trying to find our way anyway, right?