Originally Published: January 11, 2019 9:06 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Trump stormed out of a brief White House meeting with Democrats Wednesday that failed to settle the government shutdown. Early that morning, Trump went into the White House chapel, knelt at the altar and asked God for a brick wall. And only a few hours later, IN walked Pelosi.
The American Plastic Surgeons report a banner year in the number of cosmetic surgeries last year nationwide. It’s a requirement in Westside Los Angeles. It’s funny to think that the motto of America’s westward pioneers used to be California or Bust, today it’s California, Bust Sold Separately
L.A. police are investigating Democratic donor Ed Buck after drug overdoses possibly took the lives of his gay lovers. There’s alarm after a second black man in two years was found dead in his apartment in West Hollywood. One more, and Ed’s residence will be re-zoned as an area of Chicago.
Christian Bale won Best Actor at the Golden Globes and thanked Satan for inspiring him how to play Dick Cheney. What a night. At a press conference afterwards Satan’s agent thanked Christian Bale, but added that he won’t be taking on any more actors, because he’s busy with the new Congress.
Graceland in Memphis hosted thousands of people this week who marked Elvis Presley’s birth date. In 1977 he died in a bathroom at age forty-two with his system full of Valium, Percodan, Dilaudid, Demerol and Quaaludes. If Elvis Presley were still alive, today he would be Keith Richards.
President Trump asked Democrats for a border wall Wednesday while they offered drones and surveillance cameras. They talked past each other. Schumer and Pelosi accused the president of manufacturing the border crisis which prompted Trump to declare yet another manufacturing victory.
The White House warned the nation of an extended shutdown if Democrats are unwilling to compromise on border security. The country is split. A recent poll says fifty-eight percent of Americans approve of President Trump’s border policy, while thirty percent describe it as no bueno.
Democratic and Republican lawmakers traded charges in dueling press conferences after the White House compromise talks failed Wednesday. It begs the question. Between all the shouting and name calling and finger-wagging in DC, how can anyone tell that the government is shut down?
President Trump urged caravans to apply for asylum legally at U.S. checkpoints while they wait down in Mexico. The language barrier doesn’t exactly expedite the process. On Tuesday, two guys from Honduras showed up in Los Angeles court for their asylum hearing and the judge married them.
The Daily Mail reported Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’s wife of twenty-five years is divorcing him after she caught him cheating. On Wednesday, the most expensive divorce petition in world history was delivered to Jeff’s front door. Wouldn’t it be ironic if it came in a box with a smile on it?
The National Enquirer reported Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and his wife are divorcing, however they vowed to remain friends while they raise their kids. There must be a break-up epidemic going around. This week my girlfriend and I broke up over our political differences, we’re both Democrats.
Paris Match magazine reported Wednesday the only nude restaurant in Paris is going to have to close its doors because business is so slow despite its great location. The restaurant isn’t drawing any customers. Apparently, it’s because tourists don’t want to see frog legs unless they are on a plate.
The Wall Street Journal quoted a publication in the beverage industry which said Californians consume one-fourth of all the bottled water that’s sold in the United States. I have some news for my many friends in Los Angeles. If you pay four dollars for a gallon of Smart Water, it’s not working.