Argus Hamilton: Only woman who said ‘yes’ to Weinstein ends up with half

BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Hollywood Reporter said Thursday Harvey Weinstein and his wife Georgianna Chapman have reached a final agreement on their divorce settlement. Alfred Hitchcock couldn’t make this story up. The one woman who said yes to Harvey Weinstein winds up with half of everything he owns.

Twitter officials addressed the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas and pitched Twitter’s new video and programming content. Twitter is a free-form platform where any partisan joke or smart-aleck remark can go viral. I lost six thousand followers last year and I’m not even the president.

Fox News in Boston reported that the police have legally obtained DNA evidence on criminal suspects from sites like Ancestry.com. Their TV testimonial commercials are getting more and more outlandish. I grew up thinking I was Irish, but thanks to Ancestry, I now know I’m just a drunk.

President Trump canceled a trip to Britain next month to open a new U.S. Embassy in London due to fears he won’t be welcome. The city now has a huge Muslim population which may riot if he comes. Trump’s taking the safer route and will go on a goodwill tour of Haiti and El Salvador instead.

President Trump used barnyard language to describe Third World countries in a White House meeting on immigration reform on Thursday. People expressed outrage that Trump would refer to Haiti and El Salvador as S-hole countries. It appears that everyone’s going for Best Actor this year.

President Trump prompted media fury by asking why the U.S. had to get immigrants from Haiti and El Salvador but not Norway. Norway was the source country for the Vikings who raped and pillaged everything in their path for two hundred years. Europe is a Medieval word meaning, Me, Too.

President Trump ripped Third World countries in vulgar terms prompting outrage Thursday. I think that it’s a generational thing. Trump is a product of late 1950s television, which had science shows that taught us kids the difference between human beings and animals is the Mediterranean Sea.

The Powerball Lottery jackpot was won by a New Hampshire ticket holder Saturday. The same day, the Mega-Millions lottery was won by a Florida man. But for the big money, congratulations to whoever had James Franco and Michael Douglas on your Celebrity Predator Bingo card Thursday.

White House former advisor Steve Bannon stepped down as the editor of Breitbart News after he returned to work there after Trump fired him. Could he possibly be gay? He’s the only wealthy middle-aged white guy this last year to lose two jobs and it not be over sexual misconduct with women.

President Trump answered charges in the book Fire and Fury that he’s crazy by tweeting that he is a stable genius. That’s not a medical term by any means. Just this week, an Alabama teenage boy was arrested for sexually molesting a horse, which is definitely not a sign of being a stable genius.

The Treasury Department assured Americans that the middle class tax cuts will go into effect this month and paychecks soon will be larger. No one’s going to sock it away. According to the latest statistics and financial projections, most Americans can afford to retire ten years after they die.

The U.S. government released statistics Wednesday showing that teenaged alcohol consumption and illegal drug use is down in high schools across the United States. Teenagers need to pace themselves. Drugs and alcohol are NOT the answer, unless you ask me what I did during my Twenties.

Congress returned to work last week in Washington D.C. with a full slate of issues to legislate over which there is bitter partisan dispute. There’s no longer any middle ground. The latest poll shows that one hundred percent of Americans think fifty percent of Americans have lost their minds.