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5:43 AM Mon, Feb. 18th
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Hamilton: I now do all my own stunts

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?        

Men’s Health published a study aimed at Baby Boomer men that said if we exercise daily, eat healthy, and don’t smoke or drink alcohol it will add ten years to our lives. It’s also very important to stay nimble and flexible. Even though I’m over sixty, I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

The National Retail Federation predicts a tide of last-minute holiday shopping in malls across the nation this weekend.  While shopping for gifts this morning in Los Angeles, I had trouble finding a card that conveys the religious meaning of the holiday. Everything I saw said Feliz Navidad.

House Democrats vowed to investigate President Trump once they take over House committees in January as the majority party. If it isn’t Russia, it’s one sex scandal after another. The other day, President Trump pulled out of Syria early and now Syria is going to sell the story to the Enquirer.

President Trump ripped the Federal Reserve for inciting fears of a bear market correction by raising interest rates. It’s all cyclical. A bear market is a technical term for a two-to-twelve-month period for Wall Street traders in which kids get no allowance, wives get no jewelry and husbands get no sex.

Rolling Stones legend Keith Richard turned seventy-five Tuesday. Everyone’s astounded. The secret to Keith Richards’s longevity is that he died in 1972 of a heroin overdose, then he died in 1979 of cocaine poisoning and he died in 1995 of cirrhosis of the liver, but nobody’s ever told him.

The CBS Board of Directors voted not to give fired chairman Les Moonves any of the one hundred twenty million dollar severance due to his workplace sex misconduct. The news hit him hard. He’ll have to buy his wife Julie Chen all that apology jewelry with money he has already earned.

The Washington, D.C., City Council voted Tuesday to allow gambling on sporting events in the nation’s capital city. Why not get in on the action? It was reported last year that Americans lost one hundred and fifty billion dollars betting on games of chance, excluding weddings and elections.

The Weather Channel took the first day of winter Thursday to predict that the nation’s Middle West will suffer an unusual amount of snow and ice this year due to the El Nino effect. Longtime residents are numb to seasonal changes by now.  Chicago has two seasons, winter and police brutality.

The Prison Reform Bill passed by Congress Tuesday reduces crack sentences and gives Louis Farrakhan’s Nation of Islam a half million dollars to teach Islamic classes in  prisons. Their regimen is very strict. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, and you wear a bow tie instead of a swastika.

The Cuban Baseball Federation reached a deal with Major League Baseball allowing Cubans to sign MLB contracts without defecting. We could engineer a fair swap. If Cuba legalized steroids, the Cuban ballplayers defecting to the U.S. could be replaced by the U.S. ballplayers defecting to Cuba.

The Wall Street Journal says big companies may go to four-day work weeks to reduce worker stress.  It poses a major productivity question for upper management. The question is, can you commit the same amount of sex harassment in four ten-hour days as you can in five eight-hour days?

Facebook admitted it mined the private messages of FB users to provide personal information for advertisers. Google can do it with your browser history. This is why half the men in Beverly Hills receive an e-mail from Porn Hub every time they add a slender Filipina to their all-star line-up.

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