Argus Hamilton: New categories at Oscars to reveal sexual misconduct

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Hollywood tales of sexual misconduct multiplied as more victims came forward Thursday. The Oscars this spring will add three new categories, Best Rapist, Best Stalker and Best Pedophile. Don’t you miss the good old days when your favorite actor trending on Twitter only meant that he was dead.

President Trump will focus his Asia trip on coordinating strategy against North Korea. Before leaving, a Twitter employee accidentally deactivated Trump’s Twitter account for eleven minutes. That’s just enough time in today’s America to qualify the Twitter employee for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Donna Brazile admitted Thursday the DNC cheated to get Hillary nominated. The Democrats nominated a Chicago Goldwater Girl and the Republicans nominated a New York Democrat. You’d think after a billion dollars and twenty primaries, they could nominate someone from their own party.

The Houston Astros enjoyed a huge victory parade for their seven-game World Series win over the Los Angeles Dodgers. Congratulations to Houston from all of us here in Los Angeles for your amazing victory. It makes sense that God felt sorrier about your Harvey than he did about our Harvey.

Kevin Spacey was accused by eight young men of sexually harassing them on the set of House of Cards. It just never ends. At the Oscars next spring, Kevin Spacey’s name will headline the long list of actors, directors and producers in the ceremony’s new Might As Well Be in Memoriam segment.

Psychology Today warns that scandal after scandal is causing celebrity fatigue to set in. Every week, an actor, politician, or athlete is bent on doing something crazier than someone else did last week. I think the world would be a much safer place if we just stopped holding each other’s beer.

The White House angrily reprimanded a reporter who asked if Donald Trump supports slavery Tuesday. Those days are long over, thank goodness. The day I moved to in L.A. in 1976, the maid at my apartment house told me she’d never work for a Southerner, so I got her pregnant and sold her.

New York City endured religious tensions last week following the ISIS-inspired terrorist truck attack on a bicycle path downtown. Everyone knows the drill by now. Today peaceful Muslims are gathering in lower Manhattan to protest racist remarks following next week’s Islamic terrorist attack.

President Trump began an eleven-day trip to Asia Friday by landing in Hawaii where he paid tribute to the USS Arizona Memorial at Pearl Harbor. That’s fitting. The national debt just hit twenty trillion, which tied Japan’s record for the most number of zeroes attacking the U.S. in one day.

President Trump plans to meet with America’s Asian allies to coordinate a military action with Kim Juong-un’s regime. The Winter Olympics are just one hundred days away, and they’ll be held in South Korea. After that, everyone in North Korea will have to pay for their dry cleaning in advance.

President Trump called on Congress to end the visa lottery system that admits immigrants into the United States based on nothing but the luck of the draw. The public is pretty riled up. My ancestors did not come all the way here from Great Britain to see this country overrun by immigrants.