Column: Trump wins, say LA Times and Book of Revelation

EDITOR’S NOTE - This continues the Courier’s sampling of Argus Hamilton’s columns, with the conclusion of the Year in Review in Jokes.

NOVEMBER

Donald J. Trump was elected President of the United States after one of the most contentious and divisive elections in U.S. history. The swaggering real estate billionaire will take over the country in January. I read about it in the Los Angeles Times and in the Book of Revelation.

Donald Trump gave a gracious victory speech in New York that rallied the stock markets in Asia and in Europe. The response to the election result from around the world was generous and supportive. Syria just agreed to take in a hundred thousand refugees from Beverly Hills.

Election Day saw a massive voter turnout in the contest for U.S. president between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. The election didn’t turn out to Hollywood’s liking. The next day at Los Angeles Airport, street vendors were selling Maps to the Stars Place in Line at Air Canada.

Democrats were stunned by the loss of the White House Tuesday. The news of the disaster had to be broken very gently to people in L.A. The L.A. news anchor had to tell us that Barack Obama has been canceled after eight seasons and replaced by a new TV show called Orange Is the New President.

The London Sun reported that the London Sperm Donors Bank has been established so that women can select the nationality, race and eye color of their baby online. Of course not everything is done online. A sperm bank is the only bank where every time you make a deposit, you lose interest.

Cuba’s government announced Friday that Fidel Castro died peacefully at the age of 90 of heart failure at his harbor home in Havana. The old communist must have been very frustrated at the end. Fidel Castro spent his entire life trying to overthrow capitalism, and he died on Black Friday.

DECEMBER

The White House announced Monday President Obama will not attend Fidel Castro’s funeral due to his human rights record. The dictator always had an uncanny way of staying in the news. Say what you will about Fidel Castro but he’s absolutely killing that Mannequin Challenge right now.

Donald Trump enjoyed a rise in approval ratings Sunday as reporters dubbed the post-election good news the Trump Bump. Castro is dead, the stock market hit an all-time high and pot’s legal everywhere it needs to be. It’s just been a month since the election and already America is great again.

Mitt Romney is reportedly flying to New York this weekend to meet with Donald Trump about the Secretary of State post. The meeting must be in good faith because neither man drinks. Mitt Romney drinks Diet caffeine-free Coke, which Mormons regard as a gateway drug to Mountain Dew.

Donald Trump went on CBS 60 Minutes Sunday and discussed his plans to deport the illegal immigrants as part of his plan to Make America Great Again. The issue is a double winner. In four years Trump can campaign on a promise to bring them back to help Make America Clean Again.

Donald Trump emerged from the elevator at Trump Tower with Kanye West Tuesday and told reporters they’d had a very productive meeting. Talk about two peas in a pod. The two men spent most of their hour together discussing all the medications they have been prescribed but refuse to take.

NBC reports that Donald Trump will remain as the executive producer of Celebrity Apprentice while he’s president. He’s a celebrity first and always. On Monday when Trump was not nominated for a Golden Globe Award, he called the Russian hackers and told them to get their priorities straight.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.