Originally Published: December 30, 2017 5:55 a.m.
LA JOLLA — Happy New Year’s Eve, everybody, and God bless America.
Men’s Health stated this is the year’s biggest week for diet programs and gym memberships. It was easy for me to shape up. Back in 2016 I was the only performer in Hollywood who predicted Trump would get elected, and this year so many dinner invitations disappeared that I lost ten pounds.
The Comedy Store has me performing a New Year’s show at the Comedy Store in beautiful La Jolla tonight. It’s an old Protestant enclave peopled by Episcopalians, Methodists and Presbyterians. La Jolla’s biggest civil rights moment came in the Sixties when they allowed Mitt Romney to move in.
The University of Scranton released a poll of people and New Year’s resolutions which found that only eight percent of Americans keep their New Year’s Day resolutions. These well-intentioned vows are destined to fail. Even the start of the year is commemorated by somebody dropping the ball.
The Jackson Magnolia removal at the White House drew Andrew Jackson’s military judgment into public scrutiny Thursday. He routed the Five Civilized Tribes for remaining loyal to England and then moved them out to Oklahoma. It’s the only war in U.S. history where the loser got the oil land.
Variety said men will wear all black to the Golden Globe Awards in support of ending sexual misconduct in Hollywood. The women attendees already announced they’ll be wearing all black to protest sexual exploitation. This shows the whole town’s commitment to looking ten pounds thinner.
The National Retailers Association reported record holiday retail store sales this year with the U.S. economy going full blast. Americans spent almost six hundred billion dollars. They say the biggest-selling gift item was women’s cosmetics and the worst-selling gift was the Tickle Me Roy Moore Doll.
Roy Moore failed to get an injunction to halt certification of his Senate loss Thursday. This is embarrassing. Judge Moore should know that the dignified way to lose an election is to write a book blaming everybody but yourself, then whine as you plug it on every talk show that will have you.
Alabama’s Secretary of State certified the victory of Democrat Doug Jones to the U.S. Senate in the tight election results over Roy Moore. The loser went down fighting. Moore insisted he lost because they counted wrong, but if Roy Moore could count to eighteen, it might never have happened.
Barack Obama urged Americans to leave their protective bubbles on social media and engage in live dialogue with others. Social media’s pop-up ads and in-house promotions are beginning to drive people away anyway. Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the Internet.
A Russian billionaire died in Moscow while jogging Thursday after taking a Viagra. So much for wowing all the maids at the bus stop as you jog by. His name hasn’t been released, yet already Los Angeles lawyer Gloria Allred is eulogizing him as the sexual misconduct settlement that got away.
The Weather Channel reported an Arctic cold front swept the Midwest and Eastern Seaboard this week. Much of New Year’s could be in sub-zero weather and blizzard conditions. It’s so cold in Minneapolis that the fire marshal recommended that people burn their houses down to stay warm.
Disneyland shut down in the middle of the day Wednesday when the electricity was cut off. It’s so disheartening. During a holiday week, Disneyland draws a hundred thousand people a day at a hundred bucks a ticket and if they still can’t pay the electric bill then there’s no hope for the rest of us.