Originally Published: December 20, 2016 3 a.m.
HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Donald Trump will take office on Inauguration Day tasked with keeping his promises to repeal Obamacare, cut business taxes, cut income taxes, build the wall, rebuild the U.S. military and destroy ISIS. That’s not the tough part. He has to do it all in 140 characters or less.
Donald Trump wrapped up his “Thank You Tour” in Mobile, Alabama, Saturday where he vowed to halt illegal immigration and build the wall. He’s not kidding around. Trump finalized his cabinet picks Monday by appointing Mexico’s President Enrique Nino Piete the Minister of De-Fence.
Martin Sheen hosted a video of celebrities Thursday who urged GOP Electoral College voters not to vote for Trump when they met Monday. His demeanor was grim and tight-lipped. He’s determined to show the entire world that at least one member of the Sheen family can still breathe through his nose.
Michelle Obama told Oprah Winfrey that hope has died in America with the victory by Trump. The effort by the White House to sabotage the upcoming Trump presidency is getting a little ridiculous. This morning the Surgeon General sent Trump a carton of cigarettes for Christmas.
President Obama held his final press conference of the year Friday before going on vacation to Hawaii. He sounded buoyant. Barack Obama came outside on Friday morning and saw that he was still president, and traditionally that means six more weeks of light interviews on late-night TV.
President Obama vowed retaliation on the Russians for hacking into the DNC emails and revealing how Hillary’s campaign cheated Bernie Sanders out of the nominations. To me, it verifies the Old Testament God. Every time one of the Clintons screws a Jewish person, all hell breaks loose.
Hillary Clinton gave a speech Thursday blaming the Russians for her defeat. An unknown hacker outed DNC emails to reveal how Hillary’s people sabotaged Bernie Sanders in the primaries. It was the second time in history that a Clinton presidency was derailed by a whistle-blower.
Hillary Clinton enjoyed a pasta dinner at Rao’s Italian restaurant in New York last week. Her appetite is legendary. Even though Hillary lost the swing states, she lost the recount and she lost in the Electoral College, she still has a path to 270, but it’s with a knife and fork.
FBI Director Jim Comey was blamed for Hillary’s defeat because he blasted Hillary for using a private server for U.S. business and for erasing thousands of emails. She’s still oblivious. Hillary sent out an email Friday inviting you to share classified information with 10 friends for good luck.
An FBI agent admitted leaking details about the probe into Phil Mickelson’s insider trading in Clorox stock. A Mormon pro golfer from La Jolla invested in a product that makes things whiter. Trump just delayed the wall until after he gives the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Phil Mickelson.
Donald Trump gave his third nationally televised speech in one week in Alabama on Saturday night. He’s been totally dominating the media for 18 months. The other day the Golden Globes came out and people were surprised it had nothing to do with nude photos of Melania Trump.
Vladimir Putin laughed off charges Thursday he tampered with the U.S. election. It’d be one of the few times he was ever innocent. This year, three men in Moscow were arrested for the murder of Russian dissident Boris Nemsitov, and they’re the three guys ahead of Putin in his racquetball league.
Michael Moore urged progressives to protest on the Mall on Inauguration Day. They’ll cool off. For all the people who worry that Democrats will never get over their anger at Donald Trump getting elected president, remember that just a year ago they were just as mad at Chick-Fil-A.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.