Column: New Horizons spacecraft spots GOP candidates

Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS--God Bless America, and how's everybody?

NASA's spacecraft New Horizons ended its nine-year voyage as it approached the planet Pluto Thursday. It sent back some of the most stunning pictures ever taken of our solar system. In the most panoramic photograph of all, you can see every one of the billion GOP presidential candidates.

A Kuwaiti-born gunman shot up a U.S. marine recruiting center in Tennessee Wednesday, killing four unarmed Marines before he was killed. The Marines were unarmed because the administration deems certain U.S. military installations are to be a No Weapons Zone. It's no wonder Iran is beating us.

President Obama told Americans in a speech last week that defeating ISIS in the Middle East will be a generational struggle. The reason we can't defeat ISIS in Iraq is that we are outnumbered. ISIS has seventy-five thousand troops to our seventy-four-thousand warplanes and attack helicopters.

The Hollywood Reporter revealed Thursday that NBC executives in New York were in talks with comedian George Lopez to become the new host of NBC's The Apprentice. If this were to happen, it would be Donald Trump's greatest nightmare come true. He's been fired and replaced by a Hispanic.

President Obama wrapped up a busy week by flying to New York City Saturday where he spoke at Democratic Party fundraisers, telling anybody and everybody how happy he was to be in New York. The president was in Oklahoma earlier in the week but he made it out. He must know El Chapo.

The White House launched its efforts at federal prison reform on Wednesday with a presidential visit to the El Reno Federal Prison in Oklahoma. There's always two sides. President Obama declared that education is the key to reducing the prison population, although power tools work every bit as well.

President Obama entered the El Reno federal penitentiary in Oklahoma Thursday and spoke to the prisoners there. He urged lawmakers to eliminate mandatory sentences for non-violent drug offenders. He was the first North American leader all week to be on the news for going INTO a prison.

President Obama's motorcade was greeted in Oklahoma City and in Durant by Confederate flag rallies on Wednesday. He was surprised to see it. The flag was lowered in Charleston last week and taken to a Mexican prison where the flag had no trouble escaping and finding sanctuary in Oklahoma.

President Obama landed in Oklahoma City Wednesday before visiting Choctaws in Durant and El Reno prison inmates. He stopped at a local Starbucks. Since a president of the U.S. never carries cash he gave Starbucks the right to make nuclear weapons in exchange for an Orange Café Frappuccino.

The Labor Department conceded Tuesday that ninety-three million Americans have dropped out of the workforce. National morale is low. U.S. presidents used to get a round of applause whenever they'd say we must defeat terrorism in order to protect our way of life, but now it just gets a huge laugh.

The Daily Mail reports Iranian citizens reacted with joy to the nuclear deal that lifted sanctions and returns Iran to the economic mainstream. They reportedly all want iPhones now. If we'd have just given them iPhones five years ago, they'd have never gotten any work done on a nuclear weapon.

The World Health Organization warned Thursday that six new cases of Ebola have surfaced in Liberia months after it was declared Ebola free. It doesn't scare L.A. We know that more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola, and the Ebola victims suffered less.

President Obama began lobbying members of Congress to pass

the Iran nuclear deal tortuously reached between the U.S., our Allies, Russia, China and Iran. Congress was never consulted during negotiations in Geneva with Iran because it's against White House policy to negotiate with Republicans.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in

Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.