Originally Published: November 27, 2014 6:03 a.m.
There is no shortage of pundits who could do a worthy job of waxing philosophical about the things we should or shouldn't be thankful for at Thanksgiving 2014.
Rather than get lost in the shuffle of those traditional analyses, I'm going to take a different approach. Employing the latest computer models, I shall extrapolate from current trends and predict the way things will be 20 years in the future, at Thanksgiving 2034:
Many people are thankful that ALL 49 STATES now have legalized marijuana. ("Dude! I TOLD you that was a real thermonuclear device you were messing around with in North Dakota! They're still talking about that explosion way over in Dorito-flavored Connecticut.")
Technology makes simple dinner table questions quite complex. ("Do I want the pumpkin pie or the cranberry sauce, Aunt Jane? Um, er ... I know I've got that information out on the cloud somewhere ...")
The time-honored tradition of presidential pardoning of a turkey? The National Guard has to be called out first, just in case of trouble. (And in case the pardon doesn't come through, there's some chick who wants to marry the turkey.)
Dissidents and People In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time are thankful the decades have not been kind to middle-aged North Korean despot Kim Jong-un. ("Now whom did I walk into the room to execute? Oh, well - I'll just have a sandwich instead.")
Those who struggle to maintain the religious significance of the holiday by humbling themselves and offering heartfelt thanks to a Higher Power must worry not only about reprisals from the secular world but also about an eerily casual voice from above dismissing them with "Not a problem."
Retail employees need no longer worry about preparation for their noon Thanksgiving Day meals being thwarted by the need to get an early start on Black Friday sales. No, they have to be worried about their hiding of Easter eggs being thwarted by the need to get an early start on Black Friday sales.
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is rerouted to the Himalayas to appease those who keep predicting calamitously rising sea levels. ("Squint real hard and you can see it! Take off those ear muffs and listen to me, people!")
Savvy investors are thankful that they can choose among fat-free bitcoin, antimicrobial bitcoin, hypoallergenic bitcoin ...
Landing probes on comets 317 million miles away, traveling 80,000 miles per hour becomes commonplace. As do probe greetings of "We hear those mean old Tea Party people have been trying to keep you from registering to vote."
Nation rejoices as cloning breakthroughs mean fewer celebrity "baby bump" photos for paparazzi to snap.
The floundering cable TV business is saved by a spate of popular new channels containing nothing but government consultants stupid enough to give speeches crowing about how stupid the American public is.
The move toward genetically modified foods continues unabated. When shoppers seek a Tyson turkey, they must specify a "Tyson Foods" turkey or a turkey built like MIKE Tyson.
Kim Kardashian is thankful she can still balance a champagne glass of Metamucil on her buttocks. Assuming there's a small stool to prop them up.
But the most likely development at this season in 2034?
"Grateful nation rejoices that Danny Tyree is too preoccupied with ear hair trimming to regale us with predictions about Thanksgiving 2054."
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