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home : features : features September 15, 2014

10/21/2012 9:39:00 PM
Column: Give Lohan a break, she's having flashbacks
Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton
Syndicated Columnist

Lindsay Lohan's publicist went on the Today Show following Lindsay's endorsement of Mitt Romney Monday. Lindsay has become a conservative. Ever since she performed community service in a morgue last summer, the sight of the economy gives her flashbacks.

Fox Sports paid a ton of money on Monday to air NASCAR races for eight years. It's very interesting that Fox would decide to sponsor NASCAR. NASCAR drivers spend all day going to the left and crashing, giving Fox analyst Pat Buchanan nothing surprising to report.

Democrats planned a Million Big Bird March to support taxpayer funding for Sesame Street and Big Bird. The bird signifies cheer, kindness and brotherhood. About the only nice thing that Democrats won't say about Big Bird is how many poor people he could feed.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library scheduled its grand opening on the former president's birthday in July at Southern Methodist University. It will stress how George Bush was a champion of individual liberty. His favorite book in college was Atlas Chugged.

Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was probed Tuesday for using campaign donations to decorate his house. He was just treated at the Mayo Clinic for bi-polar disorder and was reportedly seen drinking at a bar in Washington D.C. Rod Blagojevich deserves to have some time knocked off his sentence for not appointing him to Barack Obama's Senate seat.

Hillary Clinton took responsibility for the U.S. embassy in Libya being attacked. The president blamed it on a spontaneous mob riot over an anti-Muslim video nobody saw.

In the Pentagon dining room, they've just hung a portrait of Riots Sparked by Anti-Muslim Video on the wall, right between Weapons of Mass Destruction and The Domino Theory.

Team Romney reported eleven million dollars in donations from liquor, gambling and tobacco interests on Monday. That's over twice what they gave to Obama. Mormons have no idea how much money there is in those businesses so they don't try to take their cut the way Chicagoans do.

Lindsay Lohan announced Friday she's endorsing Mitt Romney a month after porno star Jenna Jameson did. Jenna endorsed Mitt when he was down and then Lindsay endorsed him when he's on top. That's two more positions than the Mormon Church sanctions.

Pizza Hut offered free pizza for life for anybody who asked the candidates their favorite topping during the town-hall meeting. There's always one silly question from the crowd in these debates. This is how we found out what kind of underwear Bill Clinton wore before the witnesses each testified.

Hillary Clinton took off to Peru Monday as controversy swirled on Capitol Hill about whether she or Obama refused to provide security for the U.S. embassy in Libya. She'll be back. The Clintons are like shingles, just when you think they're gone they pop back up.

Bill Clinton leaked that he's assembling lawyers in case Barack Obama tries to blame Hillary for the Libyan attack. This could get nasty. If Hillary released the passport records of the president's mother, he could be the favorite to win the New York Marathon in two weeks.

The Nobel Committee awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union. This is big. It's the first time a peace prize has been given for a financial arrangement since the Nike Peace Prize went to Tiger Woods for settling his divorce without getting assassinated.

The Postal Service reported a three hundred million dollar windfall Monday from all the money politicians spent on campaign mailers in October. It's very effective advertising. Yesterday's mail delivery convinced millions of people to vote for Stevenson and Kefauver.

The Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded to Chinese writer Mo Yan Thursday for his book Big Breasts and Wide Hips. That's interesting. It shows that just as Westerners fantasize about the mysteries of the Orient, the Chinese like to daydream about Wisconsin.

Lance Armstrong was cited in a thousand page report by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Friday. The report said Lance masked the most sophisticated doping program in the history of sports. Bud Selig was gracious when he was informed the record is no longer his.

Space Shuttle Endeavor was towed from the Los Angeles airport to the California Science Museum. It survived one hundred and thirty million miles in outer space. However, after just fifteen minutes in Los Angeles, someone opened a car door and put a dent in the side panel.

Washington state voters are favored to pass a measure to let people buy marijuana legally. It'll only add to the chaos. The second civil war will be fought by the states who secede over marijuana laws against the states who secede over the immigration laws.

Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones pleaded guilty Friday to having sex with a seventeen-year-old boy student while she was a schoolteacher in Ohio. The blonde told reporters she plans to go to law school. She's been accepted by a brand-new online law school but she's still trying to find out if the University of John Edwards is fully accredited.

Michele Bachmann automatically became a Swiss citizen Thursday after her husband Marcus was granted Swiss citizenship due to his parents' nationality. It's weird. Now she's a citizen of two countries, one that's officially neutral and one that nestled in the Alps.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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